Men are from Mars - where are the rest of you from?


The Process
Helpful Hints


Now you're going out with her on a regular basis.  There is one neccesity that you have to be aware of.  What is it? The Flight of the Bumblebee.  You're wondering what in the hell are we refering to?  We are refering to something that all self respecting bachelors end up doing in the 15 minutes between the time she calls and says she's coming over (Ya' right - like she'll be ready in 15 minutes!).

You have to admit - over the course of a week, our homes can sometimes turn into a shit sty.  Hey -  we're busy, and we can't always take time out of our day to pick up our grundies, beer cans and other assorted shit that gathers around our home on a daily basis.  But you had better damn well have a clean toilet!

That's right - The Flight of the Bumblebee is what we like to refer to as "Your ass scrambling around the house hiding any evidence of your deviant maleness before your girl shows up at the door".  Maybe you're working a 70 hour week, perhaps you've been on a 3 day bender, or maybe you're just a damn fool slob.  But the flight is neccessary if you want her to come over to your place ever again.


'Cuz she'll never come back if your toilet is full of shit stains and your room has the aroma of the socks you wore during your last hockey game.  So what is a boy to do when his gal calls and says "I'd really like to see you tonight.  Can I come over?"  Alright!  A cheap date!  Then you look around and realize your shitter looks like this:

"Holy shit - this is not good.  She may need to pee!"  The unclean john will turn her off faster than your telling her that you happen to be a crack addict!  What about the rest of the place?


The living room, which you've been partying in for 3 days is lookin' like this:

Not too bad, the beer cans are mostly in the garbage with the exception of a stray here and there.


So you want to sleep with her tonight.  That's gonna take place in the bedroom.  Is this what your bedroom looks like?

That should really turn her on!  Enough to phone her dad for the key for her chastity belt!


So what to do?  The Flight of the Bumblebee!

You see, with practice, you can have this hell-hole damn near spotless within 15-20 minutes.  It's not as if you have to do the spring cleaning routine or anything, but at least scrape off the surface rust.  You can do it - put your ass into it.  If you don't, you'll more than likely spend the night alone doing the Five-Knuckle-Shuffle.

Create a simple, step-by-step routine, and soon it will become as automatic as your morning dump!

Start in the focal point of any apartment or home - the kitchen.  Are the dishes stacked a foot over the sink?  Get 'em washed - fast!  You can find dish scrubbers at places like WalMart or Kmart.  They are sponges with a scouring pad on one side connected to a clear, hollow plastic handle which you fill with dish soap.  They have saved my ass on many a Flight.  You can rifle through a sinkful of dishes and glasses in about 5 minutes.  Let'em air dry while you attend to the rest of your flight.  If the trash can overflows, change it.  Before you do, check the fridge for any horrid food and discard it with the outgoing trash.  That way, your fridge won't likely reek if she happens to open it, and the shit won't stink up your house.

Next - the (very) quick task of the living room.  Most of the time this simply involves stray dirty clothes, beer and pop cans, and maybe a quick dusting of the entertainment center and whatnot.  This task usually takes only 2 or 3 minutes if you at least do some housecleaning once in a while .  The carpets aren't real important unless you're a total pig and it is opaque with pubes, pot seeds and puke, so you really don't need to do anything with them.

Then the bedroom.  First, get the dirty clothes off the floor and wherever else they may be hanging from.  Do whatever you have to do with it- toss it in a closet, a utility room, the washer - just make sure your skidmarked underwear is out of sight.  The absence of the dirty laundry makes it easier and quicker to manuever around the room for the rest of this segment of the flight.  Next - trash.  Toss the shit laying on the floor and the furniture. Then, if the sheets are dirty, you better damn well have some clean ones in reserve.  Because more than likely, that's where you want to ultimately end up.  You at least owe her clean sheets out of respect.

Now the hard part, but this can go really fast - the bathroom!  It's gross, smelly and one of the most unpleasant things a single guy has to do.  But your will to get it done and over with will have this job done in record time.  The goal is to have it spotless, not neccessarily 100% sanitary (but do make sure the shitter is totally sanitary - she will be sitting on it for christ sakes!).  Use as many rags and scrubbers as you need to to get the job done FAST - just make sure you have a secure place to stash them, or throw 'em out.

Congrat's - you're almost done.  Put the dry dishes away, kick back, and relax!

The shoe on the other foot.

There are rare times when all this is not neccessary.  I met a gorgeous gal who was always dressed really hot.  Usually in leather pants.  Our first couple dates, she came over to my place for dinner.  I did the Flight of the Bumblebee.  I mean, I thought she was the type of woman who would demand nothing less than a clean house.  I thought I pulled it off - the house was spotless both times.  Next date, she invites me over to watch some flicks.  I was a little shocked when I first walked in the door and noticed a fairly messy living room and kitchen.  Then she took me by the hand and took me to her bedroom.  It was all I could do to keep from laughing my ass off.  I had never seen such a mess!  Not even if I went on a 4 week bender, didn't leave the house, and did not do laundry the entire time.  Needless to say, I never cleaned prior to her arrival ever again. 


And remember - if you have to cook dinner for her, allow alot more than 15 minutes!!!

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